Hard Weekend...

Yep. I just got back a few hours ago from visiting my family. I think each time I visit it gets harder and harder. Mom is not doing well. Aside from the chemo not working and the cancer still growing, she is in a really bad place mentally. She refuses to leave the house and barely gets dressed most days. Even my sweet niece being there this weekend doesn't seem to have touched the funk she is in.
This is way harder than I anticpated. I mean I think I could deal with her being sick...I just can't deal with the depression and the black cloud that is hanging over my family. My dad cries everytime I come home and everytime I leave. This is the same man who barely cried at his own mother's funeral. I guess if you have been married for 41 years to the love of your life and then realize she is dying...I guess it would take a toll on a person. I can't imagine what he is going through right now.
I had a good long cry in the car on the way back today...I hadn't done that in awhile and I think I was overdue. I don't want to cry because I am sad for me...for all the things I will have to face in my life without my mom...that seems selfish to me considering what she is going through. But, sometimes it just comes out.
I just love her. More than anything or anyone on the planet.